How not to be a stand up comedian

I’m not sure how to be a good stand up yet, but my sojourn on the open mic circuit has taught me a lot about how not to be a good stand up comedian. I thought I’d share my accumulated wisdom with you now.

  • If the audience didn’t laugh, it’s probably because they didn’t hear you. Repeat your jokes. Louder.
  • Don’t make eye contact. It only encourages them.
  • Everyone loves paedo jokes. The darker the better. They don’t even need punchlines if they’re dark enough.
  • Read all your material from a piece of paper.
  • If you have a couple of friends in the audience, try and get them laughing with a couple of in-jokes. Even you don’t have any friends in the audience, it’s worth a try. Someone may have gone to your school.
  • Try to look nervous.
  • Insult as many people in the audience as you can.
  • Slowly back away from the audience so you can make a quick getaway if required.
  • Move the microphone away from your face just as you reach the punchline.
  • That is, if you have any punchlines. They are strictly optional.
  • Audiences love having jokes explained to them. Especially really clever obscure jokes that make you look smart.
  • Oh and always overrun. Five minutes always means ten.

That’s it. Follow these and you’ll make even the noisiest club sound like the British Library Reading Room.
Please do take this advice to heart. I need to get rid of as much competition as possible.

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Comments
3 Responses to “How not to be a stand up comedian”
  1. The Dude says:

    ■Everyone loves paedo jokes. The darker the better. They don’t even need punchlines if they’re dark enough.

    This is so true.

    Or at the moment, a joke about bankers maybe too. So long as you’re not actually in The City

    • David Sharpe says:

      Thanks for the comment!

      Even in the City how many bankers go to open mic nights?

      I was going to say at least the bankers deserve it but realised that meant that I’d have to approve of paedophiles… o_O.

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